Thursday, August 16, 2012

Happy Blurthday

I don't know... I might be feeling a little something not so good.
I'm guessing 'confused' might be the right way to put it.
Though I can't really tell. 
Maybe 'confused' is just heads up for something bigger, some sort of shift.
And one might argue, the shift is right there, it's crystal clear, it's not like I need a warning or something; but it somehow feels like that's just the tip of the iceberg. 

I daresay I've been pretty good at 'goodbyes' throughout my little life, I don't understand why I'm so fixated on the word as of late. I've said some pretty big 'goodbyes' in the past months, though outwardly I've meant them more as 'see you laters', I've kind of always known some of them have actually been pretty permanent, which is sad really. 
I'm back home now, or shall I say 'home'? I think I left my un-quoted home somewhere else, somewhere not exactly blurred at the edges. I don't particularly like it here, I feel out of place (though honestly I think it might be that I feel way too much at home and that commonplaceness frightens me; there, how much more honest can you get in parenthesis?) 

Went to the movies today, guess there's little left to say about that. Feels weird even mentioning it but that's basically the least uneventful thing that has happened in the past few days. This is like some sort of limbo-- again all blurred at the edges, would-have-been-idyllic a few months ago.

It's a big letdown knowing that a little over a year ago you think you were the happiest you've ever been. You're almost certain of that. And if time machines existed, you'd be reliving those wonderful days over and over again. Which brings you back to your rational mind, and that son of a bitch is asking you 'why were you so happy then?', to which you know the answer, but are so damn proud to answer yourself. It's easier to be proud, really. I once heard someone say that the happiest people are the ones who refuse to be affected by anything at all. Well, actually a lot of people have said that, but some have the fortune of being more poetic than others. I happen to be terrible at quoting it. 

What sucks the most is knowing that the only reason why you are what you are right now is yourself and the choices you've taken. You could have chosen to 'refuse being affected by anything at all', but knowing so would have made you ultimately miserable. On the other hand, look at me. I know I've made a choice out of reasoning and self-respect. I'm not feeling any happier than the 'would-have' situation. This particular scenario is the most suitable state for a 'martyr' application, one has to be careful with that, when one starts feeling like everything is 'done' to oneself. You start blaming everyone else by thinking that you alone are the victim. This is of extreme importance, I do not want to be sensed as a victim. I don't want to be it. I think I'm sort of safe by knowing that I've chosen this path myself, I've chosen to be consciously miserable. I know why I've chosen not to be 'happy' and ergo that should ultimately lead to my spiritual conformity. 

I'm guessing that's as far as you can go? Once you know that happiness is more a result of emotional abandonment than actual choice? Only complete obliviousness can bring happiness. If you happen to be the slightest bit aware of happiness, you're doomed not to be happy at all. Conformity is as far as you can go, you just have to learn how to live with that. That's as far as I've come in my moments of deep contemplation. Which all happen to be on my birthday, that's why I'm such a bummer to be around this time of the year, there's witnesses. 

And that's exactly why I love all those emotionally challenged freaks that have voluntarily stuck around me. I like my people miserable by choice rather than happy by default.



Mexican word of the day: Tabaco (self-explanatory) 
Feeling: Utterly out of context.