I just squashed a tiny spider that was happily dangling in the bright space between the computer screen and my nose. I wonder where it was dangling from.

A thought!

What is big, red and poofy and should have stopped making movies many many years ago? A hint? What's (EDIT)'heel' in Spanish?



That's right friends! I'd like to dedicate this little entry to the man behind the gloves, who during many years held a warm place in the center of our hearts and who now, alas, travelled south to place himself at the bottom of our ankles and hard as we try to kick him away he's still managing to stick himself to the spot.

Why am I talking about this now, why you ask? Well why, I'll tell you why. Milk and I made quite a hobby a while ago of abusing his last disaster-- I mean action movie 'The Expendables', every once in a while suggesting one or the other should make an official review of it.


See, we were big fans before what we shall call 'the incident'. At least Milk was, for I only discovered his oldest movies not even a couple of years ago, but ever since I found my liking for this guy rapidly blooming within me. I even considered getting myself a Rocky action figure, I certainly got the gloves, and Milk gave me an original french poster for the movie on the year it came out. (He didn't buy it the year I was born tho, he's just a little boy!) Doesn't Adrian look like my mom?? Yes she does!

But see, people make mistakes, and people like Stallone make even bigger mistakes than the commonplace commonfolk, and what was his mistake? I'll tell you what it was, it was not getting into politics after Rocky IV.

Now, there are A LOT of things I could criticize, about everything really, I'm as happy as a pony running in a flower field when it comes to bashing action movies, but this time around I'm sticking to the main stuff.

Number one.
The catering company that served the staff during the making of this movie should be sued, brought to bankrupcy and burnt down to ashes for the crime of serving Sylvester the shrimp cocktail that brought him the rash of a lifetime.
And I do mean, THE RASH OF A LIFETIME.



Number two.
Whoever thought Mickey Rourke was close up material, was seriously, seriously mistaken and should pay with his neck. (Or skin, rash rash rash)



Number three.
Jet Li is a national hero in China's Republic of People, a giant in a country of thousands of millions who day by day train as hard as they can so that one day, they could be like him. In this movie, however, he's just short. And not just that, he's Sylvester's little friend, you know, the one you always wanna be next to whenever you need to look taller. Unfortunately for him, Jet's also yellow, working to make Sylvester look even more orange.



Number four.
Family violence huh? Nothing makes a hero better than a guilt-ridden beaten up woman who doesn't like you, and beating up the guy she likes better than you. Why was this girl even included in the movie? Beats me, but gave me a good 10 minutes to get more goodies from the candy store.



Number five.
The spice girls concept. Jason's the guy with knives, then there's the dude with the ear, then the black guy with the noisy guns, the little asian guy, the tall n' dumb blonde one, the retired dude who hangs out back at headquarters and of course the leader, who always knows how many bullets the bad guy's got left, and here's the best part, ALL of them... wearing personality-matching hats.



Number six.
Two words. Dictator's daughter. Seriously? I mean, seriously Sylvester? Why not add another spice to the soup and have the other bad guy turn out to be your father in the end huh? Or your lost brother, or, or! ... your twin!
Of all the stupid, stupid plot twists you could ever come up with, nothing, and I mean NOTHING is dumber than falling for the villain's daughter.



Number seven.
Right after Barney saves Jet Li from the big blonde guy who's lying on the floor bleeding, then comes this brilliant piece of dialogue.
Big blonde guy: 'I was just gonna scare him'
Barney: 'Don't put that on me, you never liked him!'
Aaaand it's done! That's it, Sylvester lost me to the biggest snort I ever produced in my whole entire life.



Number eight.
Oh, during some seconds of the movie someone substituted Stallone for a giant, well done suckling pig with extra muscles.



Number nine.
Those little exchanges of looks between Schwarzenegger, Willis and Stallone. Hee hee hee, we're all big superstars and we're all in the same movie together, hee hee hee, let's put it in the trailer and make people believe we're actually IN the movie!



Alright folks that's it, for the time being, someone's gotta work tomorrow morning and it's only getting later! I might continue the post, I feel sort of bad now, bashing on Sylvester like this, perhaps I'll make a small entry of all the good things he's done in his career. But I'll have to take a look at that porn he did.

MOVIE QUICKIE

Since Milk and I have spent the last few days on the couch watching horror movies, I have something to say.

FUCK Castle Freak.

GODDAMN Freak. And there are witnesses, I used to have a soft spot for freaks, ever since sweet Grady Stiles
(I even dressed up as him one Halloween, if wrapping tape around my hands counts), and regardless of the crazy similarities between the GODDAMN Freak and Rocky Horror's Riffraff (who I used to have a crush on too!), I still had to look away from the stupid movie.

On another note, hats off to Sleepaway Camp.

We read somewhere on an Eli Roth interview how he explains the effect this movie had on him and his friends, to recall he said something like, by the time the movie ended, just after the last scene, he and his friends literally stood up from their chairs and screamed in horror. Well, long story short, it happened to us too.

Seriously, this movie is SICK in a disturbingly good way, my favorite type of way, and I won't say anything about it, except that if you watch it, you MUST watch it until the end and shut the fuck up about how you think Friday the 13th is way better, because once you get to the end, you'll have FUCKING nightmares.

Now, on to Cannibal Holocaust.

I literally started watching the movie holding on to my cookie monster plushie because I had heard that it was very difficult to watch, and one hour into the movie, the only difficult parts to watch were the unceremoniously raw scenes of animal cruelty they show, the dismembering of a giant turtle for example, I seriously felt worse about the turtle than the guy who gets his dick cut off or the girl who gets gang banged and decapitated by a bunch of tree huggers.

Well, honorary mention to Evil Dead, that was the second time I watched it and it still works on me, goddamn demons.

Which reminds me, I had to rearrange the order of the creatures I would least like to encounter in my life and death, and for many years my list was topped by those motherfucking black and white zombies from Night of the Living Dead (Yes, yes, I was young and the fear never left me) closely followed by those damn critters. But in the light of new events, my top 5 reads as follows:

TOP 5 OF CREATURES I WOULD NEVER LIKE TO ENCOUNTER IN MY LIFE AND DEATH:

5.Aliens
4.Anna Paquin
3.Zombies
2.Demons
1. GODDAMN Castle Freak

Asshole.

February 5th, 2011
Shanghai, China

Chinese new year... not a big deal really, with the exception of some nice looking fireworks nothing else was special about it.

Just a few days ago me and Milk celebrated one year together in the flesh. We went out for dinner and originally planned on going to the Shanghai World Circus but we got lazy and decided otherwise.

And in other news,

about a month ago back in the recording studio, I was there looking up at people with my mouth open as usual, hoping that they'd give me a fun and new and exciting assignment, such as plugging microphones...... when suddenly boss Zhang asked me to organize the printed lyrics for the singers who were coming to record on that day, to my very big surprise and delight of the crazyrabidfangirlness remaining inside of me, I knew some of the singers, I recognized a couple of names written on the lyrics.

Needless to say when they arrived, and as hard as I tried, I had a stupid smile on my face that I couldn't quite clear off.

Seriously now, those singers are far from being real stars, but they are quite known in Shanghai, I even bought my mother a CD of one of them when I went back to Mexico after my first year. Ah, and when I met him, oh the shame...

I walked up to him, my boss was going to introduce me, instead of holding out my hand I open my mouth and blurp out: Heh heh, you're famous.

Of course, that was followed by 10 long uncomfortable seconds of staring and apollogetic chuckles, but it was alright, meaning of course my boss, who is an excellent guy, never thought bad of it, in fact he was one of the ones smiling about it, and the other guy that works there, this musical genius called Mu, made sure I stopped feeling bad about it.

All in all, in a way its too bad I'm on holidays right now, because I miss the studio, and just when I was starting to understand a bit how it works there, the stupid chinese new year comes to meddle and disrupts my professional pleasures. Cock it to hell.

And between spaces, we've been playing tetris nonstop. I see beautifully colored squares everytime I close my eyes.

Soma Studios in their previous glory.


3:48 am

Chinese word of the day:
色情 se4qing2: Porn.

February 2nd, 2011
Shanghai, China

Happy Chinese new year, or Spring Festival.
It's strangely quiet this cold February afternoon, everything's closed, there's no people on the streets, everybody's home with their families celebrating the beginning of the rabbit year, my year as it turns out.

No fireworks tho. It's as if they're hiding in the dark in someone's surprise party and preparing themselves for the time to jump out and yell happy birthday. Only they're really good at hiding here.

Shanghai is dead at the moment, just like what the last couple of seconds before an earthquake feels like.

I think I hear some fireworks in the distance, only really far, I can hear them because it's so quiet around here. I wish they would start already.

Milk and I are watching horror movies tonight. Zombie, Sleepaway Camp, probably some other weirdness like that. He wants to watch The Stuff but we won't find it on the internet. I'm cooking spaghetti. This is how I will spend the first day of my third rabbit year.

I'm 24 this year, hoo.


Chinese word of the day:
鸡巴 (Ji1 ba1): Dick.