I just squashed a tiny spider that was happily dangling in the bright space between the computer screen and my nose. I wonder where it was dangling from.

A thought!

What is big, red and poofy and should have stopped making movies many many years ago? A hint? What's (EDIT)'heel' in Spanish?



That's right friends! I'd like to dedicate this little entry to the man behind the gloves, who during many years held a warm place in the center of our hearts and who now, alas, travelled south to place himself at the bottom of our ankles and hard as we try to kick him away he's still managing to stick himself to the spot.

Why am I talking about this now, why you ask? Well why, I'll tell you why. Milk and I made quite a hobby a while ago of abusing his last disaster-- I mean action movie 'The Expendables', every once in a while suggesting one or the other should make an official review of it.


See, we were big fans before what we shall call 'the incident'. At least Milk was, for I only discovered his oldest movies not even a couple of years ago, but ever since I found my liking for this guy rapidly blooming within me. I even considered getting myself a Rocky action figure, I certainly got the gloves, and Milk gave me an original french poster for the movie on the year it came out. (He didn't buy it the year I was born tho, he's just a little boy!) Doesn't Adrian look like my mom?? Yes she does!

But see, people make mistakes, and people like Stallone make even bigger mistakes than the commonplace commonfolk, and what was his mistake? I'll tell you what it was, it was not getting into politics after Rocky IV.

Now, there are A LOT of things I could criticize, about everything really, I'm as happy as a pony running in a flower field when it comes to bashing action movies, but this time around I'm sticking to the main stuff.

Number one.
The catering company that served the staff during the making of this movie should be sued, brought to bankrupcy and burnt down to ashes for the crime of serving Sylvester the shrimp cocktail that brought him the rash of a lifetime.
And I do mean, THE RASH OF A LIFETIME.



Number two.
Whoever thought Mickey Rourke was close up material, was seriously, seriously mistaken and should pay with his neck. (Or skin, rash rash rash)



Number three.
Jet Li is a national hero in China's Republic of People, a giant in a country of thousands of millions who day by day train as hard as they can so that one day, they could be like him. In this movie, however, he's just short. And not just that, he's Sylvester's little friend, you know, the one you always wanna be next to whenever you need to look taller. Unfortunately for him, Jet's also yellow, working to make Sylvester look even more orange.



Number four.
Family violence huh? Nothing makes a hero better than a guilt-ridden beaten up woman who doesn't like you, and beating up the guy she likes better than you. Why was this girl even included in the movie? Beats me, but gave me a good 10 minutes to get more goodies from the candy store.



Number five.
The spice girls concept. Jason's the guy with knives, then there's the dude with the ear, then the black guy with the noisy guns, the little asian guy, the tall n' dumb blonde one, the retired dude who hangs out back at headquarters and of course the leader, who always knows how many bullets the bad guy's got left, and here's the best part, ALL of them... wearing personality-matching hats.



Number six.
Two words. Dictator's daughter. Seriously? I mean, seriously Sylvester? Why not add another spice to the soup and have the other bad guy turn out to be your father in the end huh? Or your lost brother, or, or! ... your twin!
Of all the stupid, stupid plot twists you could ever come up with, nothing, and I mean NOTHING is dumber than falling for the villain's daughter.



Number seven.
Right after Barney saves Jet Li from the big blonde guy who's lying on the floor bleeding, then comes this brilliant piece of dialogue.
Big blonde guy: 'I was just gonna scare him'
Barney: 'Don't put that on me, you never liked him!'
Aaaand it's done! That's it, Sylvester lost me to the biggest snort I ever produced in my whole entire life.



Number eight.
Oh, during some seconds of the movie someone substituted Stallone for a giant, well done suckling pig with extra muscles.



Number nine.
Those little exchanges of looks between Schwarzenegger, Willis and Stallone. Hee hee hee, we're all big superstars and we're all in the same movie together, hee hee hee, let's put it in the trailer and make people believe we're actually IN the movie!



Alright folks that's it, for the time being, someone's gotta work tomorrow morning and it's only getting later! I might continue the post, I feel sort of bad now, bashing on Sylvester like this, perhaps I'll make a small entry of all the good things he's done in his career. But I'll have to take a look at that porn he did.